The Truth Hurts...with Magic!
by Mattello
Summary: A Harry Potter musical where everyone is at sometime mad fun of, hence the title. [Ok, ok. I'm bad at summaries!] PG13 for some content which some people may find "rude."


[DISCLAIMER: I do not own Harry Potter, or any other characters concerning with Harry Potter and the books. I also do not own the original songs of the parody sogns on here; but I do own the parody songs. Please R&R]  
  
The Truth Hurts...With Magic!  
A Harry Potter Muscial  
  
ACT 1, SCENE 1.  
"I don't think you're ready for this belly"  
  
[SETTING]  
[At the Dursley's house, before Harry's 5th year. Mr. Dursley is inside, watching TV. Mrs. Dursley is washing dishes. Dudley is outside, making fun of a chipmunk. Harry is up in a tree, watching. Scene is outside.]  
  
Harry: [to self] That Dudley...he's always so mean to those animals. I wish they could give him a piece of their mind...  
[Swoosh noise is heard]  
Chipmunk: Squeaker! Squeakukum squirk squeak!  
Dudley: Ah, shuddup you stupid chipmunk!  
Chipmunk: Squeakity squeak squea...and it's not nice to make fun of us animals!  
Dudley: [with big eyes] DID YOU JUST SPEAK?!  
Chipmunk: Of course, haven't you been hearing me this whole time?  
Dudley: Actually, no, I haven't.  
Chiomunk: Hmph! How rude! I said was that you're a very rude boy, who seems to be eating all the time! I can't believe your mum and dad think it's baby fat! Its just fat since you eat the whole time! I even saw you eating in the bathroom, one time! You're so fat...I bet you have the biggest belly!!!  
[The background goes off, as well as Harry and the Chipmunk. A spotlight appears on Dudley]  
Dudley: [Sung to the beat of Bootylicious, by Destiny's Child] Harry, Can you handle this? Mummy, Can you handle this? Daddy, Can you handle this? I don't think They can handle this! Barely move, I've arrived. Lookin' fat, Lookin' high! Fattest kid, fat inside. Momma, I want food tonight! Spotted me a tender rib. There it is, Come on lady! Don't you wanna gimme food! Can you be nice, you know you could! You gotta do much better If you gonna feed me tonight! You gotta work your belly If you gonna feed me tonight! Read my lips carefully If you like what you see: Food, food, food - I'm really hungry! By the looks you look real skinny and smaller than me! Hook up your seatbelt, It's time for food. I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this 'Cause my stomach too Bellylicious for ya babe! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this 'Cause my stomach too Bellylicious for ya babe! Harry, can you handle this? Mummy, can you handle this? Daddy,can you handle this? I don't think you Can handle this! I'm about to break you off ('cuz) I need to eat more lard! Need more ribs, need a bigger size, gimme your share, and you won't get mine. Lookin' big, not lookin' small, Gettin' like I'm not tall. Look over my shoulder, I ask for food Can you gimme some, I know you could! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this 'Cause my stomach too Bellylicious for ya babe! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this belly! I don't think you Ready for this 'Cause my stomach too Bellylicious for ya babe! Move my stomach Up and down! Make my belly Touch the ground! I can't help but Wonder why! Is my fat too fatalacious for you, Babe? I shake my belly At every chance, When I whip With my hips you Slip into a trance. I'm hoping you can Handle all this belly That I have! Now let's cut a ham While we scat some jazz (Scatting) I don't think you Ready for this belly I don't think you Ready for this belly I don't think you Ready for this 'Cause my stomach too Bellylicious for ya babe (Repeat 5 times)  
[Curtains close]  
  
ACT 1, SCENE 2.  
"Baby got fat"  
  
[SETTING]  
[At the Dursley's house. Mr. Dursley is stilling watching TV. Mrs. Dursley is still washing dishes. Harry continues to watch Dudley. Dudley is sitting on a rock, sniffling.]  
  
Harry: [to self] Wow, who knew Dudley sang so good. Hmm...  
Dudley: Waaah! I wish mummy were here!  
Mrs. Dursley: Dudley? Are you calling me? [rushes outside to her son]  
Dudley: Mummy...a chipmunk was talking to me, and it made fun of me, and it said I was fat...!  
Mrs. Dursley: ["Sung" to the beat of Baby Got Back by Sir Mix-a-lot] [talking] Oh my god. [looks up at Harry] Harry, look at my son. He's so big. He looks like one of those fat girls boyfriends Who understands those fat girls They only talk to him because he looks like a total fatty. I mean his belly. It's just so big. I can't believe it's so round. It's just out there. I mean, it's gross. Look, he's just so big! [In rap form] I like big bellys and I can not lie! You other sisters can't deny. That when a guy walks in with an ugly face and a round thing in your face You get sprung! Wanna pull up tough Cuz you notice that belly was stuffed. Deep in the shirt he's wearing, I'm hooked and I can't stop staring! Oh, baby I wanna get with ya And getcha on a diet My girlfriends tried to warn me But that belly you got is so boring.Ooh, rump of rough skin You say you wanna get in my kitchen. Say "feed me feed me" cuz you aint that average belly. I've seen you eatin' The heck with financin' He's fat, like a cat, got it goin like a turbo vette. I'm tired of magazines Saying flat bellys are the thing. Take the average woman and ask her that he gotta pack much back. So girls (yeah) girls (yeah) Has your boyfriend got the belly (heck yeah) Well shake it, shake it, shake it, shake it, shake that healthy belly! Baby got fat. I like'em round and big And when I'm throwin a gig I just can't help myself I'm actin like an animal Now here's my scandal I wanna get you home And UH, double up UH UH I aint talkin bout feeding Cuz your belly with start eating I wannem real thick and juicy So find that juicy double Mrs. Dursley's in trouble. Beggin for a piece of that bubble So I'm lookin' at recipe videos. Knockin these bellys walkin on my toes.You can have them skinny dudes I'll keep my fatto like Flo Jo A word to the thick fattos I wanna get with yo I won't cus or hit ya But I gotta be straight when I say I wanna eat. Til the break of dawn Baby Got it goin on Alot of girls won't like this song Cuz them girls lie to hit it and quit it But I'd rather stay and play Cuz I'm long and I'm strong And I'm down to get the oven on So fatties (yeah), fatties (yeah) Do you wanna roll in my Mercedes (yeah) Then turn around Stick it out Even white girls got to shout Baby got fat. Yeah baby When it comes to yummies Cosmo ain't got nothin to do. with my selection 90-90-90 Only if she's 5'3" So your boyfriend throws a Honda Playin workout tapes by Fonda But Fonda ain't got a belly in the front of her Honda My kitchen don't want none unless you've got belly hun You can do side bends or sit-ups, but please don't lose that belly. Some girlies wanna play that hard role And tell you that the belly ain't gold So they toss it and leave it And I pull up quick to retrieve it. So cosmo says you're fat Well I am down with that Cuz your belly is big and your curves are kickin And I'm thinkin bout stickin To the bean burritoes in the magazines. You aint it mr. thing. Give me a brotha I can't resist his Red beans and rice did miss him. Some knucklehead tried to dis Cuz her guys were on my list. She had game but she chose to hit 'em. And pulled up quick to get with 'em. So fellas if the belly is round And you wanna cook Dial 1-900-DURSLEY and bring some Parsley. Baby got fat.  
Dudley: You too mummy? Waaaaah! [runs off the stage crying]  
Mrs. Dursley: What's wrong with him? Hmm...  
Harry: You made fun of him! What do you think is wrong?  
Mrs. Dursley: First of all, he IS fat! And second of all, since when do you stick up to your cousin?  
Harry: Hmm...that's true. Since when do you speak to me?  
Mrs. Dursley: Er...good point. [Walks back into the house]  
Harry: This house is so weird...heh. I don't see how I've managed.  
[Curtains close]  
  
ACT 1, SCENE 3.  
"I'm a believer"  
  
[SETTING]  
[At the Dursley's house. Mr. Dursley is sleeping on the couch. Mrs. Dursley is watching TV. Harry is sitting on a rock.]  
  
[A poof is heard and a house elf stands there]  
Roby: Hello, I'm Roby!  
Harry: Don't you mean Doby?  
Roby: Who's that.  
Harry: Doby...the house elf...you know, the one I set free?  
Roby: Umm...right. You famous people scare me at times!  
Harry: Yes, I'm famous! [cameras flash and girls run out onto the stage, scream in delight, and run off] Do you want my autograph?  
Roby: Not really.   
Harry: Hmph! How rude.  
Roby: I've come to tell you something. It's very important...[whispers something into Harry's ear]  
Harry: [eyes go big] WHAT?! ROWLING HASN'T FINISHED THAT FIFTH BOOK?! That means that this musical will just have to be in this summer, because we can't do anything for the school year?! AAAH!  
Roby: That's all. Have a great life...hey, actually, I would like your autograph.  
Harry: Oh really? Of course you do! To whom?  
Roby: My daughter.  
Harry: Name?  
Roby: Roby.  
Harry: How did I know...  
Roby: Well, bye! Mwhahaha [coughs and chokes, then "dies" and rolls off the stage]  
Harry: He died! Oh who cares. Someone send him flowers...  
[Harry's owl, Hedwig, comes down. She holds a letter in her claws, and gives it to Harry. Then she flys off]  
Harry: [reading aloud] Dear Harry, It's me Ron! Have you heard? Rowling hasn't finished the 5th book. That's all I can write. Yes, I'm incompetent at the moment. Have fun on your musical! Signed, Ron. [Looks up and then grins] How thoughtful. [Eats the letter] Hmm...good.  
[The Same Chipmunk from earlier comes onstage]  
Chipmunk: Ahem. Hi! My name is..(what?) My name is..(who?) My name is..(scratches) Chip Munk. Hi! My name is..(what?) My name is..(who?)....  
Harry: [gets out his wand and aims it at the Chipmunk] Incendio!  
Chipmunk: My name is..[fire hits him] Fried Chpmunk...[the chipmunk runs off]  
Harry: That was easy. Now let's see...what can I do all summer for this musical.  
Rock: Sing.  
Harry: About..?  
Rock: Hey, I'm only a rock! I have a small brain, so don't ask me about what to sing about.  
Harry: Hmm...well, Mrs. Dursley DID just sing that song about Dudley being fat...[looks over a book] And this scene is called "Baby got fat."   
[Dudley comes in and sits on a rock, crying]  
Harry: Might as well..! [Sung to the tune of I'm a Believer, by The Monkees/Smash Mouth] I thought fat was only true in fairy tales. Meant for someone else but not for me. Fat was out to get to me. That's the way it seems. Fat had always haunted all my dreams. And then I saw his face! Now I'm a believer! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind! Dudley's fat! I'm a believer just like a beaver its no lie. I thought fat was more or less a given thing. But the more I gave the less I got, oh yeah. What's the use in trying All you get is pain. When I wanted fat I got sprained! And then I saw his face! Now I'm a believer! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind! Dudley's fat! I'm a believer just like a beaver its no lie. What's the use in trying All you get is pain. When I wanted fat I got sprained. And then I saw his face! Now I'm a believer! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind! Dudley's fat! I'm a believer just like a beaver its no lie. Then I saw his face! Now I'm a believer! Not a trace Of doubt in my mind! Now I'm a believer! Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah! I'm a believer! I'm a believer! I'm a believer!  
Dudley: Why is everyone being so mean to me today? [Runs out again]  
Harry: Goodness, doesn't he know the truth hurts with magic?  
[Curtains close]  
  
[That's all for Act 1! Hope you enjoyed. The 2nd act is coming soon..!] 


End file.
